This was a re-post I came across during a time I definately needed to read it about 2 years ago.... maybe there is a reason i came across it yet again.
Anyways, I AM NOT THE AUTHOR and not taking any credit for this. Feel free to repost. <3
* * * * *
Dysfunctional Definition of Love
The Dance of the Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"
One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)
1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Back In Orange County
So as close friends know, I had a stupid Halloween weekend that couldn't have ended any worse. So now I am back in Orange County for the time being. Making my grand return back to my dad's family.
All I have wanted since I moved back to the IE was to come back to Orange County and now here I am and still not happy. I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances. The reality of what is going on really set in today after the anger subsided from yesterday. It has been a very long and emotionally exhausting day. I'm ready for it to be over.
I've been racking my brain all day going back and forth about where to go from here... I am being pulled in a couple directions and right now I haven't the slightest clue of which way to go. I'm still trying to completely figure out how the hell it got to this point.
ughh.... i could go on and on but that pretty much sums it all up.
All I have wanted since I moved back to the IE was to come back to Orange County and now here I am and still not happy. I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances. The reality of what is going on really set in today after the anger subsided from yesterday. It has been a very long and emotionally exhausting day. I'm ready for it to be over.
I've been racking my brain all day going back and forth about where to go from here... I am being pulled in a couple directions and right now I haven't the slightest clue of which way to go. I'm still trying to completely figure out how the hell it got to this point.
ughh.... i could go on and on but that pretty much sums it all up.
Friday, October 30, 2009
The List
So awhile back there was someone in my life that suggested I do this excersize. Basically, make a list of 100 things about yourself. It's supposed to give you a look into the person you are. You are not supposed to think about it. Just start writing things that pop into your head. Seems simple enough right?
Although she shared hers with me and hers was a lot more personal than mine, I gave it a shot. I guess cause I don't really like diving too deep into myself at times. I'm still learning about myself after losing touch with myself for so many years.
Anyways, here is my list. Some of it flows and some of it is just randomness that popped into my head at the time lol
I think this will show a lot about the person I am inside and not the person you see at shows and events.
1. I am a huge procrastinator.
2. I tend to get way ahead of myself and try to run before walking.
3. I rarely forgive.
4. I never forget.
5. Secretly I am the most self conscious person.
6. Get some booze in me and I'm the hottest bitch on the block.
7. I drink to deal with life.
8. A horrible habit I can't shake.
9. I thrive on horrible habits.
10. I guess that makes me self desructive.
11. It's a form of self abuse that I subconciously enjoy.
12. I think that is due to growing up in an abusive and disfunctional home.
13. Looking back on my childhood makes me really sad at times.
14. I wonder if the abuser ever feels remorse and if he really believes he never hurt anyone.
15. I still feel a lot hatred and resentment towards that man.
16. Singing is my passion.
17. I would give a whole lot to be able to play the piano again without having to learn it all over again.
18. Singing is a lot of time my only outlet since I have a horrible time communicating.
19. Deep down I fear commitment just as much as I crave it.
20. That is probably why I sometimes sabotage good things before I realize what I am doing.
21. Also because I fear failing.
22. I would rather quit than fail.
23. I really can't wait to be a mother.
24. I fear that it will never actually happen.
25. I wanna get married and live happily ever after.
26. I fear that will never happen either.
27. I wonder if two people can really be in love for all eternity.
28. Love terrifies me but I do give 210% of my heart even if it doesn't seem that way at times.
29. I'm stubborn to a fault.
30. I get in my own way constantly.... that goes back to my fear of failure.
31. I constantly wonder "what if..." and that probably is what sets me back a lot too.
32. I have some EXTREME trust issues.
33. My trust issues make my imagination go wild more than it should.
34. I constantly question the motives of others.
35. There are a lot of personal things I am dying to share with someone but I don't.
36. Mainly cause a lot of it is depressing.
37. I know eventually I will have to share those things so I can move forward and leave them behind.
38. Because of those things bottled up, some people will never quite understand why I am the way I am.
39. Or why I over react in certain situations.
40. I feel like I have really lost touch with the person I used to be.
41. I know why and I wish I could go back in time and change those decisions that took me down those harsh and unforgiving roads.
42. At the same time I can't help but feel like I needed to learn those lessons sooner than later.
43. Really I wish I never had to learn them at all though.
44. Everything I have been through has molded me into the person I am though, the good and the bad.
45. I have found that people have a hard time accepting both.
46. In the past I have ended up with people that focused more on the bad though.
47. That's a big part of why I have a complex.
48. I honestly think I was born in the wrong era.
49. I think I belong in the 60s with Janis Joplin.
50. That seems to be more of the lifestyle I am accustomed to.
51. I have definitely taken it down a few notches though.
52. I'm still working on bringing it down a few more.
53. I often wonder what my purpose in life is.
54. I believe everyone has one.
55. Though I can't say for sure, I feel it is something important.
56. Why else would I still be here after the 2 times I was pretty much promised not to make it?
57. I often think about my aunt that passed my senior year.
58. It's a little depressing when my aunt's tell me I am a replica of her inside and out.
59. She was an amazing person but I hate to think of myself going down that same road.
60. I feel guilt when I think of her being gone and the fact I should have showed up when I said I was going to.
61. I am grateful however, that I did get to say my last goodbyes to my grandma.
62. I'll never forget the sorrow on my grandpa's face when she took her last breath.
63. I hope one day I'll get to experience anything close to the love that the two of them shared for all those years.
64. I have been told that crazy attracts crazy.
65. I have come to believe it.
66. I am always trying to fix other's lives.
67. I haven't the slightest clue how to fix my own.
68. I daydream constantly.
69. I have an obsession with quoting movies.
70. Reading is one of my favorite pass times.
71. One of the greatest books I have read up to date was how to Make Love Like A Porn Star by Jenna Jameson.
72. Another favorite was Love is Nothing, an Eva Gardener bio.
73. I think mainly because I saw so much of myself and past experiences written about it both.
74. There were certian points that I was almost positive I was reading my own bio. Disturbing and comforting in the same breath.
75. I am obsessed with Forensic Files.
76. I think forensics would be a dream job.
77. I think working in the music industry would be the best job EVER.
78. I would like to have my own non-profit organiztion.
79. I genuinely miss all the volunteer work I used to do.
80. It made me feel better about myself.
81. One day I would love to live in the country.
82. I want a farm.... pretty much as a personal petting zoo.
83. I have found that my bond with animals is much stronger than humans.
84. Animals love unconditionally and that is refreshing to me.
85. I am scared of the dark.
86. I won't watch scary movies my myself.
87. I'm loud.
88. I'm random.
89. Drink like a fish.
90. Cuss like a sailor.
91. I sometimes laugh at the most inappropriate times.
92. I laugh when I am nervous.
93. I enjoy conversation with random people from time to time.
94. I enjoy sitting on a lifeguard tower and watching the waves at night.
95. I am mesmerized by the blue glow of the white wash when the moon hits it.
96. I fight for things I am passionate about.
97. I will argue my point till the very end, even if I am wrong.
98. I strongly support gay rights.
99. I cannot stand closed minded people that look down their noses at things different from themselves.
100. No matter what anyone else says or thinks, I know that I am awesome! =)
The End!
Although she shared hers with me and hers was a lot more personal than mine, I gave it a shot. I guess cause I don't really like diving too deep into myself at times. I'm still learning about myself after losing touch with myself for so many years.
Anyways, here is my list. Some of it flows and some of it is just randomness that popped into my head at the time lol
I think this will show a lot about the person I am inside and not the person you see at shows and events.
1. I am a huge procrastinator.
2. I tend to get way ahead of myself and try to run before walking.
3. I rarely forgive.
4. I never forget.
5. Secretly I am the most self conscious person.
6. Get some booze in me and I'm the hottest bitch on the block.
7. I drink to deal with life.
8. A horrible habit I can't shake.
9. I thrive on horrible habits.
10. I guess that makes me self desructive.
11. It's a form of self abuse that I subconciously enjoy.
12. I think that is due to growing up in an abusive and disfunctional home.
13. Looking back on my childhood makes me really sad at times.
14. I wonder if the abuser ever feels remorse and if he really believes he never hurt anyone.
15. I still feel a lot hatred and resentment towards that man.
16. Singing is my passion.
17. I would give a whole lot to be able to play the piano again without having to learn it all over again.
18. Singing is a lot of time my only outlet since I have a horrible time communicating.
19. Deep down I fear commitment just as much as I crave it.
20. That is probably why I sometimes sabotage good things before I realize what I am doing.
21. Also because I fear failing.
22. I would rather quit than fail.
23. I really can't wait to be a mother.
24. I fear that it will never actually happen.
25. I wanna get married and live happily ever after.
26. I fear that will never happen either.
27. I wonder if two people can really be in love for all eternity.
28. Love terrifies me but I do give 210% of my heart even if it doesn't seem that way at times.
29. I'm stubborn to a fault.
30. I get in my own way constantly.... that goes back to my fear of failure.
31. I constantly wonder "what if..." and that probably is what sets me back a lot too.
32. I have some EXTREME trust issues.
33. My trust issues make my imagination go wild more than it should.
34. I constantly question the motives of others.
35. There are a lot of personal things I am dying to share with someone but I don't.
36. Mainly cause a lot of it is depressing.
37. I know eventually I will have to share those things so I can move forward and leave them behind.
38. Because of those things bottled up, some people will never quite understand why I am the way I am.
39. Or why I over react in certain situations.
40. I feel like I have really lost touch with the person I used to be.
41. I know why and I wish I could go back in time and change those decisions that took me down those harsh and unforgiving roads.
42. At the same time I can't help but feel like I needed to learn those lessons sooner than later.
43. Really I wish I never had to learn them at all though.
44. Everything I have been through has molded me into the person I am though, the good and the bad.
45. I have found that people have a hard time accepting both.
46. In the past I have ended up with people that focused more on the bad though.
47. That's a big part of why I have a complex.
48. I honestly think I was born in the wrong era.
49. I think I belong in the 60s with Janis Joplin.
50. That seems to be more of the lifestyle I am accustomed to.
51. I have definitely taken it down a few notches though.
52. I'm still working on bringing it down a few more.
53. I often wonder what my purpose in life is.
54. I believe everyone has one.
55. Though I can't say for sure, I feel it is something important.
56. Why else would I still be here after the 2 times I was pretty much promised not to make it?
57. I often think about my aunt that passed my senior year.
58. It's a little depressing when my aunt's tell me I am a replica of her inside and out.
59. She was an amazing person but I hate to think of myself going down that same road.
60. I feel guilt when I think of her being gone and the fact I should have showed up when I said I was going to.
61. I am grateful however, that I did get to say my last goodbyes to my grandma.
62. I'll never forget the sorrow on my grandpa's face when she took her last breath.
63. I hope one day I'll get to experience anything close to the love that the two of them shared for all those years.
64. I have been told that crazy attracts crazy.
65. I have come to believe it.
66. I am always trying to fix other's lives.
67. I haven't the slightest clue how to fix my own.
68. I daydream constantly.
69. I have an obsession with quoting movies.
70. Reading is one of my favorite pass times.
71. One of the greatest books I have read up to date was how to Make Love Like A Porn Star by Jenna Jameson.
72. Another favorite was Love is Nothing, an Eva Gardener bio.
73. I think mainly because I saw so much of myself and past experiences written about it both.
74. There were certian points that I was almost positive I was reading my own bio. Disturbing and comforting in the same breath.
75. I am obsessed with Forensic Files.
76. I think forensics would be a dream job.
77. I think working in the music industry would be the best job EVER.
78. I would like to have my own non-profit organiztion.
79. I genuinely miss all the volunteer work I used to do.
80. It made me feel better about myself.
81. One day I would love to live in the country.
82. I want a farm.... pretty much as a personal petting zoo.
83. I have found that my bond with animals is much stronger than humans.
84. Animals love unconditionally and that is refreshing to me.
85. I am scared of the dark.
86. I won't watch scary movies my myself.
87. I'm loud.
88. I'm random.
89. Drink like a fish.
90. Cuss like a sailor.
91. I sometimes laugh at the most inappropriate times.
92. I laugh when I am nervous.
93. I enjoy conversation with random people from time to time.
94. I enjoy sitting on a lifeguard tower and watching the waves at night.
95. I am mesmerized by the blue glow of the white wash when the moon hits it.
96. I fight for things I am passionate about.
97. I will argue my point till the very end, even if I am wrong.
98. I strongly support gay rights.
99. I cannot stand closed minded people that look down their noses at things different from themselves.
100. No matter what anyone else says or thinks, I know that I am awesome! =)
The End!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Here I am Suckas!!! lol
So I decided to create this account since I have some people that follow my stuff that are not on myspace and that was originally where I used to do all my writing.
Haven't posted a blog in forever so it seems pretty foreign at the moment but I am sure I will be up and at it in no time!!
Don't go too far... I am gonna make sure to post here as often as possible! =)
Ruby
xoxox
Haven't posted a blog in forever so it seems pretty foreign at the moment but I am sure I will be up and at it in no time!!
Don't go too far... I am gonna make sure to post here as often as possible! =)
Ruby
xoxox
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